


You are enough

by donttouchtheneednoggle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Bullying, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Insecurity, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, NOT of each other yikes, Neither of them can hold onto the brain cell for more than two minutes at a time it’s tragic, Post-Season/Series 03, SHAMELESS deux ex merlin, Well that escalated quickly, apparent major character death, but not actually, can't forget that one!, don't ask me i'm aroace, idiots to lovers, moderate injury detail, near death experiences are apparently conducive to romance?, they're both adhd moods, they're very stupid godbless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29317863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donttouchtheneednoggle/pseuds/donttouchtheneednoggle
Summary: Deep in the midst of all manner of chaos, Elyan and Gwaine find each other.Except they don't. Obviously. Definitely, totally, they don't. They're just great friends who maybe flirt sometimes.  That’s all. They're not even that great friends really-
Relationships: Elyan/Gwaine (Merlin)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21
Collections: Camelove 2021, Merlin Bingo





	You are enough

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Camelove 2021 Day 2: Knights in Shining Armour, and Merlin Bingo prompt 'Sunset'

Elyan had first met Gwaine when he was on guard duty at dawn outside the cave they were hiding from Morgana’s men in. He-

Wait no, scratch that, that was a lie.

He’d first met Gwaine when he’d broken into his childhood home in the dead of night with Merlin and Arthur and Elyan had nearly killed them. Yeah. That was it. But they hadn’t exactly had time for introductions, what with doing recon in an occupied castle and all.

So really, Elyan had first met Gwaine when he was on guard duty at dawn outside the cave they were hiding from Morgana’s men in. He was shivering in the grey light, cranky from zero sleep and gut wrenchingly terrified for his sister, but he wasn’t supposed to be relieved by Gwaine until sunup.

That was when Gwaine had emerged from the cave and plonked himself down next to him and pushed a waterskin at him. Or Elyan had thought it was a waterskin.

Upon taking a swig and nearly spitting it out, it had turned out to be ale.

He’d stared incredulously at Gwaine, who had winked at him and then adopted a saintly expression and pressed a finger to his lips – he couldn’t yell ‘what the fuck’ at him without alerting Morgana’s men to their presence.

That one encounter had really told him all he needed to know about Gwaine: perceptive, kind, alcoholic, flirty, and really fucking annoying.

………………….

After that they ended up spending a lot of time together, especially once Merlin and Arthur turned up and they had more free time to do… absolutely fuck all, _gods_ that cave was the most boring place Elyan had ever been.

Interestingly, Gwaine seemed to share the same kind of distressingly uncomfortable boredom Elyan so often fell prey to, and they spent hours talking, drinking, arguing, and playing games like ‘catch the stone’ which always earned them dirty looks from the other inhabitants.

Well, they could carry on glaring. If Arthur got to brood and Merlin and Gaius got to have cryptic conversations without them then they got to be annoying.

It had also helped to distract Gwaine’s pining ass from an apparently indifferent Merlin.

Speed through meeting the others, fighting the immortal army, taking back the castle, several weeks of hunting for Morgana, yada yada yada, to the day of their first official training session.

It was basic sparring practice, and Arthur, not wanting to single the new commoner knights out, had paired them all with the other knights. Elyan had been put with a knight named Aldis, who he recognised, with an ominous lurching feeling, from when he used to hang around Leon.

So far the round table knights had mostly stuck to their own, and hadn’t interacted much with the others. So they didn’t really know what they thought of them.

It quickly became clear though: Aldis, at least, _hated_ them.

As they fought, he made snide comment after snide comment, quiet enough not to be overheard. About Elyan’s family, his upbringing, his past.

And really, Elyan wasn’t one to take such things lying down, so he responded in kind, fighting harder and harder both verbally and physically.

Aldis was a talented fighter, as were all the knights, but he was classically trained in the way Elyan recognised from when he was learning with Leon. He didn’t have Elyan’s… ah… diverse experiences.

The fight ended with Elyan kicking Aldis’s legs out from under him, sending him sprawling onto the floor, a look of pure hatred on his face.

Gwaine, pausing in his own fight, had laughed delightedly, teeth flashing in the morning light, and Elyan hadn’t been able to help grinning back at him, and ok maybe he’d shown off a bit.

Afterwards he’d meandered back to the armoury, Percival’s arm slung jubilantly round his shoulders. The round table knights had bunched together once more, talking and laughing as they stripped off their armour.

One by one the knights departed the armoury, until Elyan had been the only one left (he’d’ve been quicker with his armour if Gwaine hadn’t kept stealing his shirt).

Which maybe wasn’t the wisest move. Especially when Aldis and four of the other knights had come back in, with very unpleasant grins on their faces.

Here was the thing. Growing up there had been two types of nobles Elyan’s age. One, like Leon, were decent to the commoner children and played with them as much as they were allowed (not much). The other... weren't. And didn't.

Guess which type Aldis had been.

Plus, (shocker) his father was on the council, that group of ageing nobles that lived in Uther’s back pocket. None of whom, excluding Gaius and Geoffrey, had much faith in the new regent, nor his new 'additions'.

So no, it wasn't such a smart idea for Elyan to be alone in the armoury after beating such a person.

“Shouldn’t you be sharpening these? You’re a blacksmith right?” Aldis shoved his sword at Elyan. “Get to work.”

Elyan snorted, stepping back and gripping the sword in his hand. “Go sharpen your own sword.”

He spun it round lightly, a shrewd smirk on his face as he surveyed the sneering crowd.

Five against one were not good odds. He’d defeated five men on his own before, but they had not been five fully trained knights of Camelot.

Besides, they were probably dying for the chance to accuse him of attacking his fellow knights. And quite apart from anything else, he couldn’t do that to Arthur, not after he’d gone out on a limb for them.

However, if they expected him to do as he said they had another thing coming.

He tightened his grip on the sword. Aldis’s grin widened in anticipation-

“You know that means he’s had a sword in his hand since he could walk, right?”

The voice sent a surge of relief and worry through Elyan.

“-While you were all still learning to play the lute.” Gwaine’s tone was deliberately mocking and careless, and as he appeared to the side behind the gang, the smirk on his face was carefully placed there – his eyes were bullet hard. “And he was trained by Sir Leon.”

Gwaine sauntered casually past the crowd and placed himself deliberately at Elyan’s side. “Whereas me? I learned to fight in taverns.”

(Elyan knew this wasn’t strictly true – another thing about Gwaine he had learned in that cave – but he would take that secret to the grave.)

Gwaine picked up another sword and tossed it casually from hand to hand.

This made them pause. Two against five still wasn’t great odds, but Elyan and Gwaine were as yet unknown quantities, as Gwaine had intentionally pointed out. (It also didn’t hurt that Elyan had demonstrated this not an hour earlier by knocking Aldis flat on his ass.)

Elyan’s confidence increased. He would bet that, between him and Gwaine, they had been in more tavern brawls than all five of them put together. If there was one thing they knew how to do, it was fight dirty.

The standoff lasted maybe thirty seconds, Elyan and Gwaine smirking, the other side glaring. Then, a slow, cruel smile spread across Aldis’s face.

“God,” he said quietly. “Arthur really did pull in any old rabble he found off the street didn’t he.”

Elyan hissed and gripped his sword again, and Aldis’s smile widened again, but before all hell broke loose here came another voice from the doorway, quiet and concerned.

“Elyan? Gwaine? You still in here?”

Concern poured through him again. Gwaine was one thing, you couldn’t keep him away from a fight if you tried, but Elyan wasn’t about to involve their gentlest friend in their bullshit.

But as it turned out, he didn’t need to worry.

At the sound of Percival’s voice, the smile disappeared from Aldis’s face, replaced with a scowl, and the crowd dispersed remarkably quickly, filing through the door past Percival.

Apparently they weren’t prepared to pick a fight with someone who looked like he could rip you in half with his bare hands.

“Lovely chat lads!” yelled Gwaine, because apparently wherever you learned self-preservation instincts Gwaine hadn’t been there. “Must do it again sometime!”

Percival peered in at them anxiously. “You two ok?”

Elyan forced himself to smile. “Yeah Percy, we’re fine. Promise.”

“All good here, Perce,” Gwaine added.

God, they were so full of shit.

Percival nodded and wandered away again, but he was still frowning.

Gwaine turned to grin brightly at him.

"You shouldn't have done that," Elyan muttered. 

Gwaine looked confused. “What?”

"Talked about yourself like that. They have it out for all of us, now you've given them a target to focus on."

Gwaine snorted. "And I'm supposed to care?" He kicked a barrel of spears, making them clatter. "Fucking lowlifes." But he was still grinning widely. Too widely. 'S'ok Elyan."

It was that day Elyan learned another thing about Gwaine: he would willingly let himself be mocked, hurt, beaten black and blue, before he let them get anywhere near someone he cared about.

Not that Elyan wouldn’t do the same, not that any of them wouldn't, but Gwaine would do it all with a grin on his face.

………………….

Things didn’t improve from there.

Most of the knights at least respected the commoners, if not jumping over themselves to befriend them. Some of them even seemed happy about the change. A lot of the older ones tried their best to ignore them, but at least they were tolerant.

It was really only Aldis and some of the other young nobles that went out of their way to make their disgust clear.

In all honesty, Elyan had expected them to come for Lancelot the most. After all, Lance had nearly been a knight in the past, before his forgery had been discovered (much to Gwaine’s delight and awe when the story had come out round the fire in the abandoned castle).

And he did receive a large share of the just-too-harsh-to-be-playful ribbing and sometimes worse than that, and the awful thing was that if left undefended he would just stand there and take it like he believed he deserved it.

But generally they got such a non-reaction from him that they left him alone. Elyan was also pretty sure Lancelot had bigger, Merlin related things to worry about, going by how much the pair disappeared mysteriously.

The cowards continued to not dare come for Percival, or bother the rest of them when he was around, and the gentle knight did nothing to dissuade them of the notion that he was a greater threat because of his size, thought he confessed to Elyan that he hated it.

Leon too, tried to maintain order and defend them as much as possible, but the truth was that two groups were emerging-

And if it came between the new knights and the old, the commoners and the nobles, Arthur and the council, no one knew what would happen. So they were trying to avoid that.

Gwaine had continued to take the brunt of it, always going out of his way to make an incendiary remark or throw the first punch at the tavern.

To most people it would seem like it was just Gwaine being Gwaine – impulsive and irritating. In fact, Elyan was pretty sure the only person who could tell what was really happening other than him was Percy, whose brow always pinched while everyone else was rolling their eyes.

Because every time Gwaine provoked the bullies, it was always pull their attention away from Lancelot, or, more commonly, Elyan. And he did it carefully, oh so carefully, always grinning - gods he never stopped grinning - so it never seemed like that was what he was doing.

Elyan couldn’t bear it. Watching Gwaine put himself again and again in harm’s way, especially for _him_. Elyan wasn’t worth that.

In turn, he did his best to keep Gwaine away from direct confrontations with Aldis and his gang.

That wasn’t to say though that Elyan took anything lying down. His approach was simply… subtler.

Elyan liked to pride himself on being the voice of reason (especially when it came to Gwaine and Percival’s ill-conceived plans which mostly involved stealing from the kitchens) but really, Gwaine was a bad influence on him.

For example…

………………….

“One chicken was good, but we should be able to get away with setting more free in Aldis’s room.”

Gwaine smiled in anticipation. “And how do you propose we do that?”

They were on patrol with Sir Durwin, one of the older knights. His lip had curled slightly in distaste when Leon had assigned him, but he mostly fell into the category of the ones who tried their best to ignore them, as he was doing now as he rode in front of them.

“If we could persuade Cook-“

“-Cook hates us!”

“Cook hates _you_ -“.

“You wound me. Anyway, I reckon go big or go home. Let’s steal the whole coop!”

“The whole coop! Gwaine, that’s utterly ridiculous.”

“Oh, and you have a better idea?”

“You know the whole point is _getting away with it_ , and not getting kicked out of the knights?”

“Do you or do you not have a better idea, oh great mastermind?”

“Yeah! Not that!”

Gwaine laughed, and the sheer sparkling joy in his expression made Elyan want to look away, it filled him with such a swell of emotion.

Inconvenient.

Gwaine shot another barb back at him, and Elyan responded automatically, and they happily fell into the easy pattern of bickering they had developed over the past three months, leaving Elyan to get distracted by how hard he was trying to not get distracted.

Elyan couldn’t remember exactly when he’d begun to feel like this, which was probably for the best because he’d likely majorly freaked out.

Because Gwaine was _Gwaine_ – ridiculous, moody, slightly insane and a complete pain in the ass.

 _Why couldn’t you have picked Percival,_ he could almost hear Gwen complaining, if he was ever dumb enough to tell her. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t considered it when he first met him: Percival was attractive, kind, gentle, funny, they had become excellent friends and they got on like a house on fire.

But that was them: friends, and Elyan was happy with the way things were.

Plus, Percival was hung up on Lancelot – who was hung up on Percival, Gwen (who was hung up on Arthur and Lancelot), Merlin (who was hung up on Arthur and Lancelot) and, if he was very much not mistaken, Arthur (who was hung up on Gwen, Merlin and, if he was very much not mistaken, Lancelot).

Elyan sometimes wanted to scream at the whole pining, denial ridden mess of them.

Thank god he wasn’t like that.

Gwaine wasn’t even that handsome. He was all right, Elyan supposed, and- nope nope that was a fucking lie, Gwaine was so gorgeous it was actually unfair. His hair, his voice, his face, his chest he was forever exposing, it was simply unreasonable.

He kept _that_ to himself though, not needing to encourage the flirting and teasing that seemed to be the main way Gwaine interacted with the world, and which would definitely expose Elyan’s feelings some day when he got stupidly flustered.

( _Flustered!_ By _Gwaine’s flirting_. It was _humiliating._ )

He wasn't even sure at which point their arguing had become… that.

Gwaine flirting while he was drunk was one thing, Gwaine flirting while they were bickering - the very foundation of their friendship - was quite another.

Elyan finding himself wanting to flirt back even more so.

Not that Elyan _did_ want to flirt back. He didn't. He told himself so ten times a day.

………………….

“… You couldn’t be subtle if your life depended on it!” he shot at Gwaine, all meaningful prank planning having rapidly devolved.

"Bet I could." Gwaine smirked and eyed him up and down, brown eyes twinkling wickedly.

Elyan forced himself to snort derisively. "Oh shut up. Idiot,” he said, not at all fondly.

And his cheeks were _not_ heating up and his eyes were _not_ lingering on Gwaine as he laughed again, because this was _friendly_ , Gwaine meant nothing by it, and whatever Elyan might feel didn't change the fact that this meant _nothing_.

Just because Elyan had a crush. He’d accepted that by this point, it had kind of become unavoidable.

Just a bit of a crush. That was all.

And that completely explained why he felt such a surge of emotion every time he looked at Gwaine, half like laughing and half like crying.

Why their bickering had become one of his favourite things, why he could not stop himself from smiling every time Gwaine snarked back at him.

Why, more and more, all he could see when he looked at Gwaine was his kindness and decency and his gentleness that threatened to break Elyan apart if it was ever directed at him.

Why he wanted nothing more than to wrap him in his arms and hold him whenever he did that too-wide grin, why only Elyan could see what was behind it.

Why his worry for him had become something like an open wound, why every black eye and easy reassurance and that goddamn _grin_ felt like it would rip Elyan’s heart in two.

Why he was so aware of him at all times, of his body next to his, forever moving and fidgeting and humming and Elyan would never snap at him for that, though he would end up having to move away before he did something stupid like throw himself at him and never let go.

Why when he’d had a bad day - especially when the guilt and grief for his life here before threatened to overwhelm him - it was Gwaine’s company he sought most, annoying though it may be.

Why even his scent – leather and ale and lavender - made him feel safe and calm.

Because somewhere along the line, amidst trying to rebuild his relationship with his sister, his guilt at having left in the first place, their war with Aldis, the constant looming threat of Morgana, whatever the hell was going on with Lance and Merlin, Arthur’s troubles with the council, and their friends’ ridiculous love pentagon: somewhere amongst all of that, bonkers as he was, Gwaine had become his greatest source of sanity.

Just a little crush. That was all.

Finally something that made sense.

He kept it to himself though, rigidly. Because he couldn’t stand the thought of ruining their friendship. Whatever he pretended, Gwaine was one of his favourite people, and the thought of things becoming awkward between them because Elyan couldn’t handle a crush was unbearable.

And the thing was, Elyan knew they could probably have a casual fling and it wouldn’t complicate their friendship at all. Going by their recent interactions, Gwaine probably wouldn't be opposed to taking him to bed. And that would be great, really great, but Elyan was starting to worry that he might want more than that.

And Gwaine was similar enough to himself that he could picture all too clearly every way _that_ could go horribly wrong and _really_ ruin their friendship - assuming Gwaine would even want such a thing in the first place.

And he had never indicated that, beyond the ubiquitous flirting. After all, Gwaine could get anyone he wanted, and he had never said or done anything to suggest that he wanted Elyan in particular.

So he would simply not think about it, and ignore Percival’s all too knowing looks, because really what did Percival know?

A great deal unfortunately, he was very wise, but Elyan chose to believe otherwise. And he would simply not notice how Gwaine’s hair shone coppery in the afternoon light, or how his profile looked silhouetted against the sun, or how…

Elyan was distracted by a sudden flash of movement in the trees alongside him. He barely had time to shout a warning before-

_Thud._

Elyan only caught a glimpse of Sir Durwin crumpled on the ground, a crossbow bolt buried in his temple, before rough hands dragged him from his horse.

He kicked out instinctively and bought enough time to scramble to his feet, drawing his sword and dispatching his assailant. Without pausing for breath he pulled his dagger from his belt and hurled it at the one wielding the crossbow. There was a _thunk_ as it found its mark.

He could hear Gwaine somewhere behind him, grunts and the screech of steel telling him he was dealing with his own attacker. Elyan went to help him but was engaged by another bandit, flailing hands clutching a knife. He slashed him swiftly across the chest and turned again to help Gwaine and-

A glint of steel in the corner of his eye, a flash of crimson, and he was sent sprawling to the ground again.

He looked up to see Gwaine in front of him, his sword plunging into the heart of the last bandit.

In a second the bandit lay dead upon the ground, beside his sword which was drenched in scarlet.

Slowly, Gwaine turned to face him, grinning. He went to take a step and then stumbled, clutching his stomach.

Elyan could only stare in frozen horror at the patch of red dyeing his chainmail as Gwaine fell to the ground.

For a moment Elyan was motionless, then he jolted to his senses and scrambled over to him, tugging off his cloak with shaking hands and pressing it against his wound.

“Gwaine,” he said frantically. “Gwaine can you hear me?”

Gwaine’s face was contorted in pain and his eyes were darting about randomly. They seemed to focus on him, and with visible effort he grinned, though it was more of a grimace. “Well this isn’t ideal.”

“You’re going to be ok, all right?” he told him, desperately trying to quell the rising panic because his cloak was now saturated and the blood was dripping out from under his hands. “Just stay with me ok?”

“Right here Elyan,” Gwaine mumbled, but his eyes had fallen shut.

That was when the hysteria overwhelmed Elyan.

“HELP!” he screamed. “ _HELP!_ ” and it was possibly the stupidest thing he could do because he would alert any remaining foes to their position but he didn’t care all he cared about was that the man he loved was dying right in front of him and if he left him for a second he would bleed out and no one was coming anyway and-

He loved him. Oh god, he loved him. _He loved him_.

It was incredible, how everything unimportant could be stripped away in a matter of seconds.

As he knelt there in a widening pool of blood, his hands pressing his sodden cloak to the pulsing wound, every misgiving, every hesitation, every sensible, excellent reason why he couldn’t, shouldn’t, mustn’t care melted away, insubstantial as thistledown.

“Elyan.” Gwaine seemed to come round again with all the shouting.

“It’ll be fine, I’ll just-“ His voice was scratchy.

“Elyan.” Gwaine’s voice was ragged and weak and for once he looked serious, intense. “There’s nothing you can do.”

“Shut up,” he said fiercely, redoubling his efforts, but Gwaine caught his wrist and dragged his fingers over his hand to twine with his.

“It’s ok,” he insisted.

“No-“

“ _Elyan._ ”

And though every ferocious, stubborn part of him fought against him he knew deep down Gwaine was right. The blood flow was slowing, becoming sluggish, and he knew that wasn’t a good sign.

It was hopeless, he was hopeless, there was nothing he could do.

“ _Gwaine_ ,” he whispered, anguished, eyes blurring with tears.

"S'ok Elyan," he murmured and Elyan wanted to scream what was he doing still reassuring him as the life seeped from him.

The blood had stopped pulsing from the wound now, there was no need to press against it any longer. Gwaine’s eyes began to flutter shut. Trembling, Elyan pulled him onto his lap.

“Hey-” he pressed his hand against the side of his face, stroking his hair back and rubbing his thumb along his cheekbone- “Stay with me.” He tried to smile through his tears, a fractured, breaking thing. “What about the prank, hm? On Aldis. The whole chicken coop right? We’ve got to do that.”

The corners of Gwaine’s mouth tugged up. “You said it was ridiculous,” he mumbled.

“We’ll do it Gwaine, I promise. We’ll do it, yeah? I’ll do anything, I swear it Gwaine. Come on,” he begged. “I’ll let you win all the arguments. You know I never meant a word of them right? Not ever.”

“Course,” Gwaine murmured, and he was properly smiling now. His fingers weakly squeezed his hand. “Wasn’t that the point?”

Elyan tried to tried to smile back, tried to laugh but it came out as a sob. He lifted his hand to press it to his lips, desperation surging through him.

“Gwaine, I love you. Please just stay with me.” He was sobbing uncontrollably now. “Please. I love you. Please.”

Gwaine’s eyes widened for a moment, them his expression became peaceful. Too peaceful.

“S’ok Elyan,” he murmured one last time, and his eyes slid shut.

………………….

………………….

………………….

_I love you._

Everything was dark.

So much for the afterlife, thought Gwaine.

_I love you._

Oh, so peace was too much to ask for was it? Of course.

_I love you._

He’d really said that, hadn’t he? Gwaine would have put if down to a mid-death hallucination if every word, every inflection was not now seared into his… whatever he had instead of a brain now.

_I love you too._

Unbidden, the words rose. Bit late now, Gwainey.

Because he did, and that was a bit of a surprise. He’d been expecting alarm, but he was dead after all. He was rather past alarm.

He’d known he _liked_ Elyan, of course he did. How could he not like the criminally handsome blacksmith who had nearly killed him upon first meeting, and then proceeded to do his utmost to make Gwaine think he disliked him, all while hiding a smile?

How could Gwaine not bug him relentlessly until he got a snarky retort, only to realise he had finally found a verbal sparring partner worthy of his skills?

And as the days rolled on, he’d begun to notice him more and more. It was _distracting_.

How he always wore his shirts with the sleeves rolled up and the laces undone, and really Princess might complain about his attention span but how was he supposed to concentrate when Elyan’s muscular chest was _right there_?

How his eyes lit up when they were planning pranks, betraying the cynical front he often put on.

How patient he was with him, how for all Elyan got annoyed at him, it was never for his fidgeting or his forgetfulness.

How he struggled, though he didn’t show it, with being back in a place he once called home, now everything was so different. How Gwaine could look into his eyes and see that all too familiar guilt staring back at him.

How protective Gwaine was of him, especially with all of Aldis’s bullshit. He was of them all, of course, but the thought of letting Elyan in particular fight his battles alone was inconceivable.

He even liked the way Elyan called him ‘idiot’, almost admiringly, so different to how Arthur spat it at Merlin.

He’d found more and more that he only cared if _Elyan_ noticed and laughed at his jokes, or at least rolled his eyes.

And really, that was deeply humiliating.

Sure, he sought attention at all times, but only to keep his place on a group. Make them laugh so they had a reason to keep him around.

But he was still his own person. He was playing the system, that was all.

This was different. He craved Elyan’s reactions because they made him feel warm and safe and _wanted_. It was like coming home.

And that was baffling, because ‘home’ was not a concept Gwaine had known for years. Neither had Elyan, from his stories, and maybe that was part of why.

Sure, he’d come to Camelot for Merlin (really, hadn’t they all), but he wasn’t the only reason he stayed.

Usually at any sign of such feelings he’d run for the hills. He had with Merlin, first time he’d met him, and the second. But that was probably for the best.

Merlin was like the moon – always half of him hidden away.

Elyan wasn’t like that. Elyan was more like the sun: bright, warm, familiar, blinded you if you looked straight at him… ok, stupid analogy.

Point was, Elyan was an open book, easy to read. Maybe not to most people, but to Gwaine. They were so similar, their lives until now riddled with guilt and chaos, if Elyan’s a little more organised than Gwaine’s, that they could understand each other without words.

And Gwaine loved that. Elyan was one of his best friends, one of his favourite people. And for a while Gwaine had tried to persuade himself that that was it – best friends.

Sure, he flirted with him, he flirted with everyone. But truth be told he could not stand the thought of ruining their friendship with his stupid feelings. He might genuinely lose his mind if he and Elyan’s easy back and forth ever became awkward.

Also, Elyan was _Elyan_ – grumpy, sarcastic, pedantic and a giant hypocrite. He wasn’t even that good looking… oh that was a total lie, Elyan was stunning and Gwaine told him so whenever he got drunk enough just so he would roll his eyes and shove him and maybe even smile a bit like he was pleased.

No, Gwaine hadn’t run away from his feelings but he had buried them. After all, Elyan had never shown any sign that he liked him back, even when Gwaine had tried flirting more deliberately, and really why would he? He could get anyone he wanted, why ever would he pick Gwaine?

Several times he'd almost caved and asked him if he was interested anyway. He could always play it off as a joke. But truthfully, rejection would hurt a lot more than he'd let on, and even if Elyan said yes and they did fall into bed together Gwaine couldn't trust himself not to get his feelings tangled up in it.

He’d been doing great, hiding aforementioned feelings, really great, and then Elyan had gone and said… that.

And joy had soared through his ailing heart, and he’d realised that somewhere along the line his feelings had become _love_ , and then what had he done?

He’d died. Real smooth.

Was that his fate then? To lie in this strange reddish darkness and ruminate on what might have been forevermore?

Because he was definitely lying down, he was aware of that. And was that someone… breathing?

Truth be told, he hadn’t expected the afterlife to smell so much like alcohol.

Ok, that was a lie, he had. But stale alcohol? Like his room?

Wait-

He opened his eyes.

Ah.

Oops.

He was lying in his bed, in his room, and Elyan was sitting in a chair next to the bed, twisting his bracelet round his wrist. They regarded each other for a while, Gwaine’s head whirling.

Elyan wasn’t dead. He knew that, had specifically made sure of that, that was the point of this whole thing. So did that mean-

Gwaine was alive!

He was alive, and Elyan loved him.

A blissful grin spread slowly across his face.

“’Lo,” he croaked.

Elyan opened his mouth looking like he was going to make a joke, and promptly burst into tears.

And Gwaine in his current state couldn’t stand this, couldn’t stand Elyan being sad, not when everything was so wonderful, especially not when the last thing he remembered was lying in his arms and he still wasn’t quite sure he wasn’t dead yet.

So he reached out and wrapped an arm round Elyan’s waist and pulled him against his chest.

He looped his arms around his back, and his weight and warmth were so wonderfully, solidly real.

Ok, definitely not dead.

But Elyan was still sobbing, face buried in the crook of his neck, tears sliding over his skin.

"S'ok Elyan,'" Gwaine murmured gently, stroking his hair.

" _Stop it!_ " Elyan cried suddenly, hitting weakly at his shoulder. Gwaine let go of him quickly.

He managed to yank the wide grin onto his face in time but it was too late to keep the hurt out of his voice. "Sorry."

“Why did you do that,” Elyan whispered brokenly. ”Why-“

“I just-“

“Did you have any idea what- you can’t- you don’t- you can’t just _die for me_ like that Gwaine!”

Oh.

“Elyan it’s ok-“

“ _Stop that!_ ” he veritably screamed. “Stop comforting me when you’re the one lying there with a bloody great hole in you! You can’t- you don’t-“

At which point he sank his head into his hands and stayed like that. Gwaine was a little bemused.

He lifted his shirt and peered under the covers and hey look at that there was a large, jagged wound in the right side of his stomach, neatly stitched with black thread.

Oddly, it didn’t hurt, not even when he poked it- ok wait yes it did _owww_. But not as much as he would’ve expected to, certainly not as much as it had when he’d had a bloody great sword plunged straight through his gut.

Hm.

“Elyan,” he ventured cautiously.

“You say it’s ok again and I swear I will punch you wound or no wound.” Elyan’s words were muffled by his hands and they made Gwaine smile because that sounded more like Elyan.

“Deal. What happened?”

Elyan raised his head, looking more normal except for the tears staining his cheeks. He sniffed, blinking hard.

“Merlin found us.” His brow wrinkled in a frown. “Don’t really know how. And he… saved you.” He frowned deeper. “Also don’t know how.”

Hmmm.

Elyan seemed to shake himself from his thoughts. “Are you hungry? Thirsty? In pain?”

Gwaine shook his head. “Honestly, I feel… fine.”

Hmmmmm.

“Well, you should drink some water anyway,” He reached for the cup on his bedside table and Gwaine went to sit up. Immediately pain ripped through his abdomen and he fell back with a cry.

“Don’t try and sit up, you idiot!” Elyan scolded and all Gwaine could do was grin stupidly because he really sounded like Elyan now.

This faded when Elyan avoided his eyes and slipped a hand under his neck to help him lift his head and drink. His fingertips against his skin sent a tingle running through him but Gwaine didn’t even look at him because he really had no idea where they stood any more.

“No one else bothered by my near death experience?” he said lightly, still avoiding his eyes.

“Oh, they were here, but they, um, left.”

Elyan’s voice was carefully neutral.

"Arthur said no one bring him alcohol so I guess he meant get well soon.

“Lancelot kept saying ‘it should’ve been me’ and Merlin kept hitting him.

Leon says he's never letting you out of his sight again starting tomorrow.

“Percival says hi, and ‘don't you ever fucking do that again you stupid fucking heroic idiot’.

“Gwen just sat here and cried for forty minutes and wouldn’t let go of me.

“And Merlin hasn't quite been able to speak yet but I'm sure you'll get a right earful tomorrow."

"Wow," Gwaine said, keeping his voice light and letting his eyes drift over to him seeing as Elyan wasn’t looking at him. "You'd think they didn’t want me to save you."

Elyan stopped and glared so fiercely at him his heart rate doubled.

"Of course they wanted you to save me, why do you think Gwen was crying! They just didn’t want you to die doing it!"

"I just-"

"Don't joke about this. Don’t."

"What was I supposed to do? Stand there and watch you die?"

"Yes! No! I-"

"Wouldn't you do the same if it was the other way round?" Though everything inside him curled up at the very thought.

"Of course I would."

“Well then.”

Elyan was shaking his head like he was trying to get bees out of it. “Gwaine. Gwaine. _Gwaine_.”

“ _What_ , Elyan!”

"You keep... throwing yourself in front of everything that hurts like it's your only purpose in life!"

Gwaine snorted. "What, like Lance doesn't-"

" _Lance is chronically depressed and anyone who looks at him for more than two seconds can see that!_ But you. You hide it so well. I can't _stand_ it. You’re one of my best friends. Without you life would be so boring. What would I do all day?”

”Have a normal heart rate?”

Elyan glared again. “You act like you’re expendable. Like no one would care if you weren’t here. It’s not true. You belong here. You have people who love you."

Gwaine’s heart beat out of his chest before he could help it and it must have shown on his face because Elyan’s expression shifted. He sat up straighter in his chair, stiffer, and when he spoke his voice had changed from desperate and passionate to careful and polite, distant.

His heart sank.

"Look, Gwaine-"

His heart plummeted. “It’s ok."

"What I said before-"

"I know."

"I didn't-"

A bitter, bitter smile spread over his face. “It’s all right Elyan, you don’t have to say it,” he told him wearily. He was suddenly so very very tired.

Elyan was looking more and more upset which was the opposite of Gwaine’s intentions. “Gwaine, I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, and I know you don’t feel the same way, but-“

“I know you only said it because I was dying, you didn’t- wait what?”

“What?”

Gwaine blinked, his head whirling. “What do you mean, I don’t feel the same way?”

Elyan shifted. “Well, I know you don’t, it’s not like that. _We’re_ not like that.”

Gwaine grinned again, even wider as tears pricked his eyes and _gods _how much pain was he meant to go through in one day?. “I know _that_.”__

____

“Then-“ Elyan paused, confused, and suddenly all Gwaine could do was look at him.

____

And his skin glowed richly in the burning light and the dying sun set his hair on fire and made prisms of every one of the tears still drying on his cheeks and screw Gwaine’s earlier thought that analogy was bang on he was so beautiful it _hurt,_ so badly _,_ and none of this was helping as he stared helplessly at him, pain hammering at his heart.

____

“Gwaine,” Elyan said quietly. “Are you saying you… care about me like- like that?”

____

Gwaine struggled for a moment, frozen, before he sighed and let the grin fall. “Yes, all right? I do. I-” He pushed a hand over his face. In for a penny, in for a pound. “In fact, I love you.”

____

Elyan’s eyes widened in cautious astonishment.

____

“Like… want to kiss me and be with me and go on dates and stuff kind of love me?”

____

Gwaine lowered his hand and stared incredulously at him. “Are you _twelve_?”

____

“Yes or no?”

____

_“Yes!”_

____

Elyan let out a deep breath. “You love me,” he repeated wonderingly. “You really love me.” With effort he seemed to rouse himself.

____

“Gwaine, I mean what I said. I love you. I was trying not to make you uncomfortable, but I’d never take it back. I can’t hide it any more. I love you.”

____

Gwaine blinked. “You… love me?”

____

“Gwaine I swear to God-”

____

“Not just like, we should fuck around because we’d totally be great? Actually love me?”

____

“ _Yes!_ Although we totally would.”

____

“We would,” he repeated dazedly. Slowly, hope was beginning to fill him again. Slowly a smile crept over his face. “You love me,” he murmured.

____

Elyan returned his smile and it blazed brighter than the sun ever could. “And you love me,” he repeated, just as reverently.

____

His smile changed a little, became more contemplative, almost a smirk. “So I guess now the question is what do we do about it."

____

Gwaine’s smile faded as reality set in once more. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea."

____

He'd been on top of the world when he’d first woke up but Elyan’s hesitation had brought him crashing back to earth.

____

Elyan blinked, then grinned uncertainly. "You don't... want me?"

____

"I didn't say that," Gwaine said quietly. "It's just- I- it's _me_ , I'm _me_ , why would you- I'm-"

____

He broke off as Elyan leant towards him, face cleared of doubt, his eyes burning into his.

____

"You're what? Not worth it? Damaged goods? Drowning in guilt? Join the club, I don’t _care_. I want you.”

____

He reached out and gripped his shoulder. “You almost died, Gwaine. I’m not going to kid myself any more. And if you really want me too then I’m not giving up. Ok? Not if you don’t want me to."

____

Tears filled his eyes again, happy this time.

____

He meant it. He really did want him as much as he wanted him, if that made any sense.

____

And suddenly Gwaine was done talking, done arguing, done doubting. He was done with everything in fact, filled with such longing he could barely think.

____

"Would it be really insane to kiss you right now?"

____

"It would not."

____

Smiling, Gwaine wrapped his arm round his waist again and pulled him against him once more.

____

As their lips met, one of Elyan’s hands tangled in his hair and the other moved to his chest, and Gwaine could feel his heart racing flat out against his palm.

____

“I love you,” Elyan whispered, smiling and blinking fresh tears from his eyes as they drew apart.

____

“And I love you,” Gwaine returned, beaming. It still felt like a miracle, to know that, to be able to say that.

____

“You’re still a ridiculous idiot.”

____

“And you’re still a snarky asshole.”

____

They grinned at each other.

____

“You know Percy’s never going to let us live this down, right?”

____

Gwaine smiled happily. “We’ll just need to get him with Lance as soon as possible.”

____

Elyan snorted. “Yeah, because that’ll make that mess simpler.” He stroked his face, smiling again as he drew away. "Thank you for saving me," he murmured before he sat up again.

____

"You're worth saving."

____

"I'm not-" he began, then pressed his lips together in a rueful smile.

____

Hypocrite.

____

"Not what?" Gwaine said innocently.

____

"Fuck you."

____

"If you insist."

____

Elyan's dark eyes skipped over him and he felt heat flash through him, especially when he looked away, unable to contain his smile.

____

“Oh, shut up.”

____

And Gwaine was feeling really stupid now so he ran the back of his hand lightly down his arm where his sleeves were pushed up. “You know, you could make me.”

____

A delicious shiver ran through Elyan before he covered it with a laugh. “Not while you’re an invalid I can’t!”

____

“Oh yeah?”

____

He held out his hand and Elyan, raising his eyebrows, took it. He jerked his arm and flipped Elyan onto the bed on his other side.

____

Instantly pain ripped through his abdomen, and he let out a groan, having forgotten about the injury on his stomach. Immediately Elyan was there, yanking back the covers and pulling up his shirt.

____

“You idiot!” he berated him while trying not to laugh, anxiously examining his wound, hands running carefully over his stomach.

____

But really, when he was touching him like that what did he expect Gwaine to do but lie there and grin at him stupidly. His brain wasn’t exactly fully engaged at present.

____

“Something wrong, Elyan?” he said idly, running a hand down his arm again.

____

Elyan slapped him away and tried to glare at him, but there was that _smile _again.__

____

____

____

“Merlin’s going to kill me if you tear your stitches.”

____

____

____

“Is that a challenge?”

____

____

____

Elyan’s eyes sparkled and he lay down beside him, placing a hand on his cheek and kissing him deeply. When they broke apart Gwaine pushed a hand through his hair and gazed at him.

____

____

____

“Don’t ever think you’re not worth it,” he murmured. “You’re worth everything.”

____

____

____

Elyan smiled a little. “You know, I think we should talk to Arthur about Aldis.”

____

____

____

Gwaine blinked at the change of subject, then groaned. “You really want to go running to Princess?”

____

____

____

Elyan shrugged, looking at him contemplatively. "I fully intend to spend life as pleasantly as possible from now on-"

____

____

____

His hand wandered downwards, tracing the skin exposed by the deep v of his shirt. Gwaine’s breath hitched and his smile widened wickedly.

____

____

____

"-and this stupid war isn't conducive to that. Arthur is regent after all - it's about time he stood up to the council and started forging his own way. He’s got us to back him after all."

____

____

____

Gwaine rolled his eyes. "Maybe he'll just kick them all out,” he said hopefully.

____

____

____

“Come _on_ , you know it’s stupid to carry on like this. And you’re telling me you don’t want to watch Aldis get stripped of his knighthood?”

____

____

____

Gwaine considered this tempting prospect. “Fine,” he grumbled. “But we’re still putting the whole chicken coop in his room right?”

____

____

____

Elyan’s eyes shone. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

____

____

____

He leaned in, but Gwaine put a finger to his lips and glared. “You’re deflecting.”

____

____

____

Elyan laughed. “Like you can talk-“ he began, then Gwaine moved in and kissed him again.

____

____

____

"I mean it Elyan,” he said as he drew back. “What I said. You're so loved. Gwen and Leon and Percy and Merlin and Lance and Princess and me. We all care about you so much.

____

____

____

“I know how you blame yourself. Believe me I get it. But you're here. Now. That’s all that matters."

____

____

____

Elyan dropped his eyes. “Yeah. I guess.” He smiled softly. “I know.”

____

____

____

But Gwaine wasn’t satisfied.

____

____

____

“You’re- Worth- Everything,” he insisted, kissing his lips between each word.

____

____

____

Elyan pushed him away, giggling uncontrollably now. “All right, fine! We’re both inherently valuable you buffoon! Happy?”

____

____

____

Gwaine opened his mouth, determined to have the last word, but Elyan kissed him again, hard.

____

____

____

Gwaine grinned against his lips and slipped his hands beneath his shirt, one running over his back, pulling him closer, the other sliding up his chest, resting against his miraculously beating heart.

____

____

____

Elyan gasped and wrapped his arms round him, pressing even closer. Gwaine shifted, wrapping his leg round his hips.

____

____

____

Abruptly he groaned in pain again, having forgotten about the injury on his stomach.

____

____

____

“Gwaine! For fuck’s sake!” Elyan was trying to be reproachful but he was laughing. “You’re a menace.”

____

____

____

He pushed his leg away and leaned over to set his hands firm on his shoulders.

____

____

____

“Look,” he said. “We can do more of this-“

____

____

____

His eyes filled with mischief, he slid his leg between his and bent down to graze his teeth over his neck, pulling a moan from Gwaine. “-when you don’t have a massive wound in your stomach.”

____

____

____

Gwaine pretended to scowl, shoving him away before he did something dumb like kiss him senseless again. “You’re no fun,” he grumbled. “And you’re wearing boots in my bed!”

____

____

____

“Hardly my fault considering you dragged me here!”

____

____

____

Gwaine turned his head and brushed his lips under his ear, mouthing at his jaw. “So leave,” he mumbled against his skin.

____

____

____

There were two _clonks_ as Elyan kicked off his boots then suddenly he was straddling him, carefully avoiding his injury, his lips pressed to his throat. “Make me,” he murmured.

____

____

____

Gwaine’s gaze flicked down to meet Elyan’s eyes and they made it all of two seconds before they fell about laughing. Immediately Gwaine groaned in pain again, clutching his stomach, having forgotten about his injury.

____

____

____

Elyan rolled off him, hiccupping his way back to sobriety.

____

____

____

“Fucking hell, we’re going to sleep before you can do any more damage,” he declared, still snickering.

____

____

____

It was night outside now, the sun had fully set. Elyan got up to close the curtains and then lay back down next to him and pulled the covers over them.

____

____

____

In the darkness Gwaine was grinning his head off. He took on a mock imperious tone. “And when did I say you could stay in my bed?”

____

____

____

“Shut up,” Elyan told him, wrapping his arms tight round his chest.

____

____

____

“Never,” he answered, burying his head in the crook of his neck and sighing peacefully.

____

____

____

Elyan’s arms stiffened around him for a moment then relaxed.

____

____

____

“Yeah,” he whispered, kissing his hair and twining their fingers together. “Never.”

____

____

____

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos appreciated <3
> 
> Come hang out on [tumblr](https://donttouchtheneednoggle.tumblr.com/)!


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